Happy Halloween! (With a "Safe" Message From Your Uncle Scared)

Well, it's that time of year again. The time of year where we're practicing Satanism! Jolly-gee, kids! Nah, just kidding. Those who actually KNOW what Halloween is for, knows that it's not about Satanism. No. Not all. You kidding? Not that demons, pentagrams, or lambs blood (fake, of course! Just for you PETA) makes this holiday even more fun. Ha! Laughable. -Whispers- Okay. Maybe a little. 

But honest guys, take it from your dear Uncle Scared. There are some sick mofos out there, so make sure to check your kids candy. Otherwise it may turn out to be a Trick and Treat short story by Roger Bryant. Whatever happened to that guy, anyway? It's not like I did anything to piss him off. Oh, well. But yeah, lots of sickos, watch out. Obey your town's guidelines for trick or treating hours. Don't want to step on anyone's toes. 

And adults, if you're like me you may be going to a Halloween party, drinking a whiskey bottle dry. Alone. With nobody. No witch in your life. No witch to your warlock. -Sniff- Oh, God! I hate the holidays! But really, you going out, you drinking. Unless you're crashing there for the night, you need a DD. Not a Designated Dickhead either. You know what I'm talking about. You go to a party, your friend's being the DD. Going to let you drink. You were the DD last time. This time he has you "covered." Instead, you get to the party and he's already drinking down some peppermit schnapps while hitting on the Morticia Addams with big boobs and low standards. You're stuck being DD again. And no, I'm not talking from experience!

 Use common sense. You know this. 

But kids. Get candy. Don't even mind if an old lady gives you an apple. She's just looking out for you. Apples are good. It better be Red Delicious, old lady, or your Snoopy pumpkin's gonna get it! ... Errr. Anyway :D. People will try to give you toothpaste, don't squirt it on them. Candy does do some damage to them teeth of yours. You wanna keep them. You don't want your new name being Gummy, do you? But it's understandable. People are on this health kick, but don't worry. All those apples, oranges, bananas, pennies (yes, pennies. Abe Lincoln being replaced by Candy Corn does happen), you can wash that crap down with a nice turkey next month. 

Stay safe. Know the difference between a fake chainsaw wielding maniac and a real one. Ones just for scares. The other is your ass. Have fun and Happy Halloween!