The Bull Truth: Bigfoot Conspiracy Revealed! with Bufford "Bull" Chitter

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first edition of Bull Truth with your host, the factual actual news correspondent, Bufford "Bull" Chitter. Take it, Bull!

Good evening, readers. Today we bring you the truth to the Bigfoot conspiracy.

Bigfoot, seen here either gesturing a simple hello or signaling that he is going to bash your skull in with a rock and drink your brains, has been a prospect of truth or lies since ... a very long time. People have been trying to find Bigfoot for decades and with new technology becoming more advanced, we may find him sooner rather than later. 

Or never? Hmm. I got your attention now, do I? Of course. 

Last week I took a trip out to Arkansas, (actually pronounced ark-en-sauce, although the locals kept telling me differently and giving me weird, disdainful looks) because of a call I received by a man who wants to tell the truth about the Bigfeet. The man wanted to meet on the outskirts of a camp at a small eatery. I figured that it was just some dumb, bucktooth hillbilly who wants to make his mama proud. I brought my Local to Yokel Dictionary with me just in case.

However, the man I met was not some idiot looking to impress his trailer park mama, but a man of sophistication. I was able to snap a photo of him while he was not looking. 

(He told me he bought it at Harry's Hairy and Scary "Clothes for Cryptos in Disguise" Outlet Store) 

When I approached the man, I didn't smell a stankly stench that gave my nose an aneurysm. I smelled a euphoric flower palace that gave my nose an orgasm. He told me it was the last gift his wife gave to him. Already we have a story.

I asked him, because I had a feeling: "Are you the Bigfeet?"

"Aye am, but not THE, a Bigfeet," he says. "And there are more like me. We're almost in the triple digits." 

Why, I almost spit out my overly priced Starbucks Coffee when he told me that. "Triple digits!?"

"Yes. And I got something else you need to know ... we're not really the cryptozoologic myths they keep on telling people we are."

I lean and I ask, "What are you then?"

He peers over his shoulder and then the other. There's nobody there. "I'm not supposed to tell, but we're going to keep my name confidential, right?" I nod (his name is Robert Chalowski. I think he gave me a fake alias, anyways, so no harm done). "The truth is, we're you."

"Me?" 

"We're humans."

"WHAT?!" I said with overwhelming shock. "How?"

"Most of us Bigfeet were married at one point in our lives. But our wives wanted too much out of us. I mean, we don't ask for much. A beer, maybe a sandwich, a (deleted in case my readers get offended by oral sex acts). But not much! So, we quit our jobs, packed our bags, and made our way out into the wild. We got hairy to adapt to the cold; we got big with muscles, because we eat mostly vegetation and walk everywhere. The point is, I'm telling you this to let the public know. Let the wives and girlfriends know ... treat your man better or you can see him later. Or actually never, because I don't think they will take us back like this. I mean, the only pleasure I've gotten in the past twenty three years is from a hole in a tree for crying out loud. You're not going to put that part in there, right?" (He'll never see this. They don't sell newspapers in Arkansauce, I don't think. I tell the whole story, because my readers deserves the Bull Truth!) 

With that, he bid me farewell and told me to tell his story to the whole world. On my way home, I thought about what he said. I thought he was full of it. But I remember something from my childhood. It was shortly after my dad left my mom and a hairy guy would visit me in my room that I realized ... 

Ron Perlman was Harry in Harry and the Henderson's!*

And with that, I realized the man who wanted to remain anonymous (real name: Robert Chalowski) is telling the truth. All because I remembered Ron Perlman running away from his wife and joining John Lithgow's family - the Henderson's. 

I, Bufford "Bull" Chitter, uncovered that truth for you! Because that's how we do on the Bull Truth! Take care and speed God. 

*You're the man, Ron Perlman. It's just a joke article! Hellboy for life! 

The Paranormal Guide Presents: Cryptozoology - Ogopogo

In 1968 a sawmill worker and his wife were driving along a lake in the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia in Canada, when they noticed something strange near the shore. Retrieving a home video camera they had with them, they took footage of a dark mass that seemed to dive in and out of the water while heading towards deeper water. It took one last dive and disappeared. Comparing the size of trees shown in the footage it is estimated that the mass was at least 40-50 feet long.

This was (possibly) the first video evidence said to be of Ogopogo, a creature said to inhabit the lake since possibly before Colonial times, and is said to be in most accounts a large "serpent-like"creature that many believe has stalked humans. Natives in the area referred to it as n'ha-a-itk, which Westerners translated to mean "lake demon", and small animals were sacrificed on the lake to appease the "Demon". Accounts of horses and even men being attacked or taken by the beast were reported in the 17th century. Over the years Lake Okanagan has been given the title "Canada's most deadliest Lake", mainly due to its treacherous currents and the unpredictable winds of the area.

Many however believe the title is deserving, due to, mainly, the possibility that a large carnivorous predator may lurk deep in its waters and possibly, on many occassions, has stalked humans that dare enter the lake.

The lake is situated in the Okanagan Valley in the province of British Columbia. It is 135 kilometres long, 4.5-5 kilometres wide and said to be 240 metres deep. It has two islands in it, one which is called Rattlesnake Island, and it is here, near a popular cliff-diving area called Squally Point, that many believe Ogopogo may reside as many of the sightings of the monster have been made in the general vicinity.

The creature has been consistently described by most as a large, serpentine creature that propels itself at great speeds with a powerful tail and has been seen making, on more than one occassion, a swishing whip-like motion with its tail against the water, churning and making wakes. In some sightings it is said to have smaller fin-like appendages, however many see it as a snake or eel-like creature. It has no fur or hair in almost all accounts, and has large, dark eyes. In most cases it is said to be of a green or blue colour.

Ogopogo has overtaken its more famous counterpart, the Loch Ness Monster said to inhabit Loch Ness in Scotland, as the most recorded, photographed and reported lake monster in the world and every year there are up to ten reported sightings. YouTube is littered with clips of footage taken on the lake supposedly of the monster, with many travelling there to try and see the beast. Over the last 45 years many photos, and amatuer film footage has been produced and examined.

A Canadian historian by the name of Arlene Gaal has over the last forty years become the foremost authority on Ogopogo, and has written three books on the monster, detailing encounters by locals and tourists and sharing photographic evidence to support claims of an unknown creature in the lake. She has purchased footage of the creature, and has made sure that any film,video or photographic evidence of the beast has been preserved. It has been said that she, like many, firmly believes the creature to be something prehistoric, a relic from the age of the Dinosaurs, that has managed to survive in the depths of the lake, and says encounters or visual reports are made when the creature surfaces to feed on the local population of fish.

Many cryptozoologists and zoologists concur with that possibility, however there are many sceptics who believe the creature is nothing but folklore or mis-identification. Some argue that many eyewitnesses are seeing beavers, otters or drifting logs. Some scientists also believe that sightings can be attributed to strange waves that may form underneath the water. However,many have been stumped by footage taken in recent times of masses of huge proportions, and been shaken by eyewitness accounts of ordinary people who refuse in some cases to enter the lake again.

In most reported sightings or encounters one creature is seen, however there have been rare examples of more than one creature being seen together, with one story detailing how a diver was "stalked" by two large creatures while swimming below the surface, one on each side of him swimming parallel to the shore. He described long eel-like creatures with round heads. There are many experts who believe in the possibility of maybe a mutant or unknown species of large eel being responsible for sightings, many though still discount ANY evidence to do with Ogopogo.

A British cryptozoologist by the name of Karl Shuker suggested the creature may be a Basilosaurus, a prehistoric creature once thought to be a reptile but now considered a early marine mammal similar to a whale. Descriptions of the creature may support this from what is known about the creatures appearance, however it is believed that Basilosaurus was incapable of swimming for long periods or deep-diving, and probably dwelt on the ocean surface or just below, and moved in an eel-like fashion.

Many other legendary monsters said to inhabit lakes and lochs around the world have similar descriptions tagged to them, is Ogopogo just one example of a species of creature that may have survived in freshwater since prehistoric times?
Or is Ogopogo a unique species, possibly a true version of a sea serpent?

By Matty Sweeney 2014 from @marvels and the macabre with matty
Picpost by Ashley Hall - The Paranormal Guide

Main Pic: Early rendition of Ogopogo from 1878.
Inset left: Rendition of Basiliosaurus from 1950s
Inset Right: Video still taken from an Ogopogo video in 1976.

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The Paranormal Guide Presents: Cryptozoology - Giant Spiders

Giant Spiders
Cryptozoology

In 'It',the classic 1986, novel written by horror author Stephen King, a group of bullied kids unite to fight a demonic being that has murdered several children in a small town in Maine. The story tells how as children and as adults they fight and destroy what at first appears to be a manipulative and calculating middle-aged clown who calls himself "Pennywise". However, it is not until the end of the story that its true physical form is revealed when the heroes face it underground (SPOILER): a giant spider seemingly at home under the town for centuries, feeding on residents and hiding in periodic hibernation. Fittingly, this antagonist uses fears and phobias against its intended prey. With spiders being perhaps one of the most feared creatures on the planet, it was pure genius by King to make the villain of the story an arachnid of giant size. (My apologies to anyone who has not read the book or seen the 1990 TV movie starring Tim Curry as the evil Pennywise.)

This is one example of fiction in which the spider is used in a horror story and plays upon the common fear of arachnids: Arachnophobia. Spiders have appeared in the genres of fantasy - such as characters in the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings series of books and films, and in graphic novels, with the tales of Spiderman, a superhero bitten by a radioactive spider and acquires arachnid abilities. Interestingly, radiation and spiders seem to be a popular coupling in science fiction films starting from the 1950's, depicting spiders being exposed to radiation/nuclear waste and growing in size.

Since ancient times spiders have had their place in many mythologies and are associated with many Gods, especially the tragic tale of Arachne, who angered the Greek goddess Athena. Even in nursery rhymes and children tales such as Itsy Bitsy Spider and Little Miss Muffet, the spider has a starring role. These creatures also feature in many philosophies, religions and folklore.

We all know what spiders are, and you would be hard-pressed to find someone who has not had an encounter with this anthropod, or the webs they spin in order to capture their insect prey. These eight-legged creatures are found on every continent, except Antarctica, and modern species have been around for just over 200 million years. Nearly 50,000 species of spiders have been recorded, although there is some argument in the biological community as to how to classify them all, and many believe that are many more species yet to be found. From the smallest species known which is found in Colombia - measuring less than 0.37mm in body length - to the Goliath Birdeating Spider - the largest known Tarantula which can have a leg span of up to 28 cm (11 in) and weigh over 170 grams - these creatures vary in size and weight.

Around the globe reports have been made by people who claim to have had encounters with spiders that seem to defy any known species - spiders of a huge size that in some cases seem to be as large as a human being. Most of these reports seem to have come from Africa, and a cryptid by the name of J'Ba Fofi (Giant Spider) or the Congolese Giant Spider is considered to be the creature many have seen. Said to inhabit the Congo region, it is said to be a very large version of tarantula, with a hairy, brownish coloured body. It is said to have a leg span of 4 to 6 feet.

The Baka people who live in various areas of Cameroon and Gabon, have in modern times described this creature to Western explorers as living in deep holes in the ground and weaving circular webs between trees. English researcher William Gibbons, most known for researching claims of Mokele-Mbembe (a dinosaur said to still exist in the Congo) was apparently told in the 1990's a story by a Miss Maurgurite Lloyd, who claimed that in 1938 her parents, avid explorers, were driving a truck on a trail along the Congo when a creature walked slowly in front of them crossing the trail. They thought at first it was a large monkey on all fours, or possibly a jungle cat, but as they got closer they made out "something like a tarantula, with a 4-5 foot leg span". Before Reginald Lloyd could grab his camera, the creature scurried into nearby forest. Many explorers and game hunters are said to have had encounters with similar creatures, but had a tendency not to report them for fear of ridicule.

There is evidence to suggest that possibly these creatures may at one time have existed, as biologists now know that crocodile-sized sea scorpions called Jaekelopterus rhenaniae existed 390 million years ago, that measured up to 8-9 feet in length. It is one of two large species of anthropod to have been discovered by fossil remains (the other being a giant millipede-like animal), and it is theorised that It ate large fish and was capable of cannibalism.

Could a large version of prehistoric spider have survived to this day and be the cause of fear and anxiety to native tribes in Africa?

However, reports don't belong fully to the African continent.

In 1942, an Australian soldier reported having an encounter with a "black, hairy tarantula-like" creature along the Kokoda Trail in Papua New Guinea. He claimed it was the size of a large puppy. And in an account given by a man in Louisiana, in the United States, he and his grandchildren were walking to church along Highway 171 in 1948, when a large brown spider emerged from bushes ahead and crossed the road quickly. Accounts of large spiders being seen attacking dogs, cats and chickens and then dragging them away have been reported from all over the world, especially in South America where villagers are said to have disappeared at night due to being victims of these large creatures, who are said to venture into villages and take children. As such, the people of many villages design their huts and dwellings in such a way to prevent abductions from living quarters. Many also speak of seeing the remains of humans in massive webs hanging from trees, only shells of skin and bone left.

Many arachnologists and biologists are sceptical about accounts of large spiders, believing that due to the poor circulatory systems most species of spiders have, the current air supply of oxygen would not allow a monster-sized spider to have enough oxygen to survive. However, there are many cryptozoologists and some biologists that argue that J'Ba Fofi, or creatures like it could be some kind of mutant species that may have more-evolved circulatory systems and are possibly more intelligent. These claims have been met by many in the biological community with ridicule and scorn. New species of spider are, however, being found every month in jungles and rainforests, with still much research to be done.

Spiders, in the view of many, are regarded with fear and dread, even though many spider experts believe they “are more afraid of us than we are of them".

However, will there come a day when a large species of spider is discovered, one that verifies these reports from all around the world?

Matty Sweeney Marvels and the Macabre with Matty 2014
Put together by Ashley Hall - The Paranormal Guide 2014

Main Pic: Large spider webs
Inset left: Illustration of gigantic spider
Inset Right: Gargantuan Bird Eating Tarantula... thought to be one of the biggest known species.

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Paranormal Humor: Bigfoot's Profile Pictures

Crytozoology: The Kraken

The Kraken
Cryptozoology

For centuries sailors have traveled the world's seas and returned with stories of a creature that would emerge from the water and attack their vessels, snaring men off their decks and capsizing boats. In some tales the crew might see an island and attempt to land but are surprised when this "island" submerges and attacks the ship, destroying the vessel and killing its crew.

This creature became known as The Kraken and it was THE beast that many came to fear, as second-hand stories of encounters with this beast traveled from crew to crew and port to port. Descriptions varied, but many described it as a gigantic crab-like creature.

However, since the 18th century, this legendary creature has been described as more octopus-like and reports of this creature attacking men in whaling vessels started emerging.

Since the 12th century, Norwegian sailors first described a squid-like creature that had large tentacles that could reach the tallest of masts and sink ships. The word 'Kraken' actually comes from the Norwegian and German languages and many have depicted these encounters in art and fiction. The most notable depiction was in Jules Verne's classic tale '20,000 Leagues under the Sea',which depicts the crew aboard the Nautilus being attacked by a number of Giant Squid. The chapter depicting the battle between crew and these monsters was inspired by stories Verne had heard from sea-farers tales.

But are these stories, of ships and men being attacked and killed by squids, based on fact?
Is The Kraken an actual creature?

Architeuthis Dux is the scientific name given to a species of squid commonly known as Giant Squid and although these creatures are yet to be observed alive, specimens of this large creature have been caught in fishing nets off Norway, Tasmania and New Zealand. Little is known about the Giant Squid but many marine biologists have theorized that they are deep sea dwelling creatures that rarely come to the surface and feed off large amounts of smaller creatures, perhaps even smaller squid.

Even less is known about the Colossal Squid, a creature that has been captured a handful of times dead or dying and is theorized to grow as large as a school bus and has 5x the length from tail to the tips of its 2 larger tentacles.

The largest squid ever washed ashore was found off New Zealand, was 57 feet long and was found in the 1920's. Creatures of these sizes or even larger would rival the sizes of sea-faring vessels of centuries past, so could a large species of squid, yet unknown to science, explain the fearsome tales from the oceans?

Fiction has popularized the creature, with Peter Benchley, author of Jaws, writing 'The Beast', a story of a giant squid and its offspring attacking humans off of a seaside village. The Kraken has also been depicted in various forms in films as 'Clash of the Titans' and 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.

Many scientists are now no longer dismissing tales of giant squid, with evidence mounting up indicating that these creatures may grow to massive sizes but dwell in the deepest depths of the seas.

So could the tales of The Kraken be fact and explained by current scientific evidence and theory, or could it perhaps be another yet un-classified creature lurking beneath the surface of the world's oceans?


By Matteo Sweeney 2013
Picpost by Ashley Hall

Main Pic: Illustrations from first edition 'Twenty Thousend Leagues Under the Sea'.
Left: A ship is attacked.
Lower: The Colossal Octopus.

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It Was a Fake?

Paranormal Vocab: Cryptozoology

 

SS Note: You may have seen a lot of posts here about the Paranormal Guide Facebook page. In no way am I being endorsed by them or anything like that. But they do have some fascinating facts on their site. I highly recommend checking them out and giving them a like. I hope they don't mind me posting their stuff on here, but the way I look at it it's free advertising for them.