Health is a Benefit While Investigating

Life throws everyone curve balls. Some it's not the persons' fault, but some it is, and I'm in the 'is' category.

I could play the world's smallest violin and I really don't want to, because I'm ashamed of myself. Absolutely ashamed at how far I've come and how far I've stepped back. I remember a relative of mine telling me that I take two steps forward, but four steps back, and that's been true pretty much my whole life.

I'll admit, up until last December I felt invincible. Nothing could harm; I could smoke and be heavy, and it would not affect me. Typical young person behavior that I have. However, I just can't do it anymore.

Prior to October of 2012, I was dieting, lost 75 pounds, I was three years tobacco free, and just feeling great. The power of feeling like I'm making a difference in my life is so much better than puffing on a cigarette or eating a whole bag of chips. But then a close death happened and I unraveled. I could honestly say for awhile I just didn't care what happened to me. Then I started to get pains ... everywhere ... pains in my chest, my back aches after only taking a few steps, and my breathing has gone to absolute crap.

The thing is, I may beat that drum to stop giving fat people so much shit, but even I realize that being big isn't good. It's pretty bad and I'm learning that first hand. This is the farthest I've gotten and I'm afraid if I do any exercise at all, I'm going to fall flat on my face, dead. I don't want that. Because no matter how bad days get or how depressed I get, I still think life is worth living. There's still a lot of things I want to do before I kick the bucket. And I haven't even done half of it yet.

The other down side of getting this way is now I can't go investigating. I just got invited to do the Beal House Inn, which is pretty much the most famous haunting around this area, but I told them I couldn't do it. My health is bad. They ignored it. I'm not going to go into any more details, but I'm not going to lie and say, sure. And then when the day comes, I'm not feeling well, and I'm not going to back out. I'm not lying. Things are getting worse and worse. But you can't say anything to anyone anymore, because when you tell them one thing, they think another. Everything has some sort of hidden message in it; that's the way people think now. I can say I've let many people down in my life, but I've never lied to them. Sure, I used to lie when I was a teenager, but I don't like when people lie to me, so I abandoned that whole concept. If I say something, I really do mean it. If I say, I'm not healthy enough to go, I mean it. I mean, do you know how embarrassing it would be that we arrive at a location and I'm dragging ass, wincing in pain, and huffing puffing worse than the Big Bad Wolf? Now, tell me, you don't want that, do you? Okay then.

And also on the other side is that my interest in the paranormal has dwindled. I just don't care much for it as much as I used to; probably due to I've seen my fair share in just the past two years with so many relatives dying left and right. I'm not saying I've turned into a skeptic, I'm just saying that the interest is not as keen as it used to be, but there's always a chance it will come back. I want it to, because I had fun doing it. But when you can barely get out of a chair, or bed, without grabbing something to help hoist you up, it will be hard to move around during an investigation. Trust me, if I didn't screw up so badly, I'd love to go on an investigation, but I can't. I simply can't. It's a no. It's a can't. I don't have anything going on. I just CAN'T do it right now.

I've reached that point where I need to make a choice, either hit rock bottom or try to climb out of the hole I've already created. Hitting rock bottom is easy; all I do is keep on doing what I'm doing until something really bad happens. I don't want that. I'm not a big fan of pain and an even less fan of chronic pain that could stay with me for the rest of my life. Or worse, dying. Climbing back out is the hardest thing you can ever do (and if you say it's easy, pardon my French, but you don't know shit).

The thing I think about most is I smoke and I'm big, so that means it's going to be hard. But what I should be thinking is, I smoke and I'm big, but I can do it. I've done it before and yes, I had help, but that help is gone, but I need to do this for myself. Not for anyone else. Not for the people who pick on me because I'm big, but for myself. Not for the girls, because I don't even know the last time I've had a girlfriend, but for myself. I have the strength, I have the determination, I just need to find it.

Before it's too late.