The Bull Truth: Bigfoot Conspiracy Revealed! with Bufford "Bull" Chitter

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first edition of Bull Truth with your host, the factual actual news correspondent, Bufford "Bull" Chitter. Take it, Bull!

Good evening, readers. Today we bring you the truth to the Bigfoot conspiracy.

Bigfoot, seen here either gesturing a simple hello or signaling that he is going to bash your skull in with a rock and drink your brains, has been a prospect of truth or lies since ... a very long time. People have been trying to find Bigfoot for decades and with new technology becoming more advanced, we may find him sooner rather than later. 

Or never? Hmm. I got your attention now, do I? Of course. 

Last week I took a trip out to Arkansas, (actually pronounced ark-en-sauce, although the locals kept telling me differently and giving me weird, disdainful looks) because of a call I received by a man who wants to tell the truth about the Bigfeet. The man wanted to meet on the outskirts of a camp at a small eatery. I figured that it was just some dumb, bucktooth hillbilly who wants to make his mama proud. I brought my Local to Yokel Dictionary with me just in case.

However, the man I met was not some idiot looking to impress his trailer park mama, but a man of sophistication. I was able to snap a photo of him while he was not looking. 

(He told me he bought it at Harry's Hairy and Scary "Clothes for Cryptos in Disguise" Outlet Store) 

When I approached the man, I didn't smell a stankly stench that gave my nose an aneurysm. I smelled a euphoric flower palace that gave my nose an orgasm. He told me it was the last gift his wife gave to him. Already we have a story.

I asked him, because I had a feeling: "Are you the Bigfeet?"

"Aye am, but not THE, a Bigfeet," he says. "And there are more like me. We're almost in the triple digits." 

Why, I almost spit out my overly priced Starbucks Coffee when he told me that. "Triple digits!?"

"Yes. And I got something else you need to know ... we're not really the cryptozoologic myths they keep on telling people we are."

I lean and I ask, "What are you then?"

He peers over his shoulder and then the other. There's nobody there. "I'm not supposed to tell, but we're going to keep my name confidential, right?" I nod (his name is Robert Chalowski. I think he gave me a fake alias, anyways, so no harm done). "The truth is, we're you."

"Me?" 

"We're humans."

"WHAT?!" I said with overwhelming shock. "How?"

"Most of us Bigfeet were married at one point in our lives. But our wives wanted too much out of us. I mean, we don't ask for much. A beer, maybe a sandwich, a (deleted in case my readers get offended by oral sex acts). But not much! So, we quit our jobs, packed our bags, and made our way out into the wild. We got hairy to adapt to the cold; we got big with muscles, because we eat mostly vegetation and walk everywhere. The point is, I'm telling you this to let the public know. Let the wives and girlfriends know ... treat your man better or you can see him later. Or actually never, because I don't think they will take us back like this. I mean, the only pleasure I've gotten in the past twenty three years is from a hole in a tree for crying out loud. You're not going to put that part in there, right?" (He'll never see this. They don't sell newspapers in Arkansauce, I don't think. I tell the whole story, because my readers deserves the Bull Truth!) 

With that, he bid me farewell and told me to tell his story to the whole world. On my way home, I thought about what he said. I thought he was full of it. But I remember something from my childhood. It was shortly after my dad left my mom and a hairy guy would visit me in my room that I realized ... 

Ron Perlman was Harry in Harry and the Henderson's!*

And with that, I realized the man who wanted to remain anonymous (real name: Robert Chalowski) is telling the truth. All because I remembered Ron Perlman running away from his wife and joining John Lithgow's family - the Henderson's. 

I, Bufford "Bull" Chitter, uncovered that truth for you! Because that's how we do on the Bull Truth! Take care and speed God. 

*You're the man, Ron Perlman. It's just a joke article! Hellboy for life!